The Secular Franciscan Home Page: http://secularfranciscans.org How To Get To Heaven and The Sign of the Times

Cheerful Heart Archives

How To Get To Heaven

    A man dies and goes to heaven. Of course, St. Peter meets him at the Pearly Gates.
    St. Peter says, "Here's how it works. You need 100 points to make it into heaven. You tell me all the good things you've done, and I give you a certain number of points for each item depending on how good it was. When you reach 100 points, you get in.
    "Okay," the man says, "I was married to the same woman for 50 years and never cheated on her, even in my heart."
    "That's wonderful," says St. Peter, "that's worth three points!"
    "Three points?" he says. "Well, I attended church all my life and supported its ministry with my tithe and service."
    "Terrific!" says St. Peter. "That's certainly worth a point."
    "One point? the man says. OK I started a soup kitchen in my city and worked in a shelter for homeless veterans."
     "Fantastic, that's good for two more points, " he says.
    "Two points!" the man cries. "At this rate the only way I get into heaven is by the grace of God."
     "Right on," says St. Peter! "That's 100 points! Come on in."

The Sign of the Times

On a Plumber's truck:
'We repair what your husband fixed."

Pizza Shop Slogan:
"7 days without pizza makes one weak."

At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee:
"Invite us to your next blowout."

On a Plastic Surgeon's Office door: "Hello. Can we pick your nose?"

At a Propane Filling Station, "Tank heaven for little grills."

At an Optometrist's Office "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."

In a Podiatrist's office: "Time wounds all heels."

At a Towing company: "We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."

At a Car Dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment.

In a Veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit"

At the Electric Company: "We would be delighted if you send in your payment. However, if you don't, you will be."

Outside a Muffler Shop: "No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."

In a Restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry, Come on in and get fed up."

In the front yard of a Funeral Home: "Drive carefully. We'll wait."